oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
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Why I divorced her.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
B
let’s discuss
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?