Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada