[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
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If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆