Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
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doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]