Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
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The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Pandas 🐼🖤
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“What?”
– Jude
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent