One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
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Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.