[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
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Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.