After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
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ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end