u guys got any snacks onboard here
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.