My boss called in sick of me
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iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
be careful
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD