[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
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People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom