I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
You Might Also Like
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.