OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
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Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Peace was never an option
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
finally
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas