Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
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I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers