[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
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Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
catch me on valentine’s day like
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon