I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.