The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
This classic never gets old . . .
Are we there yet?…
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )