my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
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A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.