Penguins walking in 5x speed
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An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I am also baked goods
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.