Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
You Might Also Like
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Social distancing in Australia:
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me