Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
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MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.