He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
You Might Also Like
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.