Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
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“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*