There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
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I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.