all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
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pizza
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
This is a true ally.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead