Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
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[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.