My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.