WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I’m calling the cops.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?