let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
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Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
jesus christ confetti not now
kevin is now a local weatherman
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.