Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
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pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.