When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups