Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
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me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!