What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
tourist season
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids