People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
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HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.