*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Personal question. #JustSaying
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account