What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.