Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
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The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: AlrightâŚwiper fluidâs full.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then youâre not a very good rapper.
[couples therapy]
me: sheâs always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
SCHRĂDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so⌠I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRĂDINGER: Yes.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
The place where you pour in the gas is the carâs gasshole.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay Iâm coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG Iâm right here letâs go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
đ˛+physics = winner
abolish âlet me know if you have any questionsâ in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because Iâm âimportant but not that importantâ and my life story finally has a title.
plant them where lol
EMOTICON GUIDE
đ I’m happy
đ Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
đ I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or sheâs already given them our social security numbers