You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.