“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
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I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
much to think about
Getting married soon just need a spouse
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
No laws when master is gone
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.