Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
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Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk