[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I’m not lazy
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
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Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.