I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
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I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
mechanics be like
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.