Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
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ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
emergency phone
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat