[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.