Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
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I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I think this cat is broken
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone