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i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.