Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
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A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Salad is the decaf of food.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed