ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/