Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
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A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.