Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
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[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.